Hi Friends!! I feel slightly embarrassed..bc if you have been following my blogs at all then you know I have been talking about my goals for wanting to blog weekly and/or stay tuned to hear more about this..and then I go MIA...for an entire whole MONTH! (almost exactly...tomorrow)
But a lot has happened in a month though. Good and Bad. So, I guess I will just start by trying to catch you up to speed with my life. (no filter..as always)
Most of you already know but I work at Enterprise Rent a Car (at the administrative office) part time. I have been with the company for 7 years now but after I had Ben I decided to go part time and pursue "mom life". In the meantime, My photography "hobby" took off and became a side business of its own for me and I could not be more grateful for the ones who have supported me and cheered me on throughout this journey. I cannot stress to anyone enough how important it has been for me to be PART TIME. I do not take my days off with Ben for granted one bit. I was destined to be a mom and I love that I have had the privilege of being able to stay at home with him and watch him grow and develop into the little guy that he is. He brings me so much joy. He will NEVER know how much I love him and how much in a way he has "saved me". I have several friends or know of lots of women who are the opposite though. They LOVE their kids but they could never stay at home with them and would go crazy if they didn't have a career. Some women thrive in the work place and that's what they need to do for them to make them the best mom they can be. Anyway, I struggled a lot this past month with feeling like a failure because I don't have a "career" and I don't ever plan on being a "working mom" (even though I wasted..yes kids I said wasted 5 years and thousands of dollars getting my Bachelors degree from the University of Louisville). But it just seems that in this day in age people are so much more judgey and opinionated than they used to be and it seems like ever since I became a mom everyone has strong opinions about how I should spend MY time. Maybe people should just back the f*** off and want whatever is going to make that person HAPPY! We are all so different and I just want to say that I support all the MOMS out there whether you are working full-time, part-time, whether you are a stay at home mom. I support you as long as..........at the end of the day....you are doing everything you can to be the best you and mother you can be to your children. On that note---today is probably like the THIRD time in over 2 years that I have sent Ben to the sitters house on a day off just so I could stay at home and take care of me and get some stuff done. When Alan told me he was going to send Ben to the sitters to help me out. I instantly started getting anxiety last night. Feeling the whole "mom guilt" which we all get. I still have it right now. But I think it is extremely important to force yourself to do things and make time for yourself. Right now, this is one of the biggest challenges for me.
I have so much personal growth that NEEDS to happen. I am the type of person that if one thing goes wrong I start thinking of everything else that isn't going right in my life and it becomes a dreadful spiral for me. I dwell a lot and I am very negative. I can find something to bitch about always. (not someone you want to be around..right? Ha!) However, with all of this self love I need to happen...and like FAST..I am starting to realize that I have to stop always trying to be such a multi-tasker and I need to learn to take one thing at a time. It drives Alan crazy. I just want my life back. I know I talk about my dad and brother a lot..and I'm sure people are probably just like...SKIP..SWIPE..over it type of thing and I get that. (not that I don't think people don't care--but it just becomes repetitive and the same ol sad shit for others) But seriously ever since my Dad died...my whole life got fucked. The pressure, stress and depression has been non-stop and I just want my life to get back to "normal". This journey has felt so overwhelming. It feels impossibly long and difficult and painful and there have been so many days where it has seemed easier to just give up and I have. I don't think that I am really getting any better--but I know that recently I hit some all time lows and told Alan that I have to do something about this. So I think that I am going to start by taking ONE DAY AT A TIME and stop comparing my life to others. Its just hard..we are in 2018 and social media makes shit crazy..and sometimes unrealistic these days...meaning people only share the good most of the time--which hey I get it--I am not going to announce to everyone when Alan and I have an argument or post a picture of me having a mental breakdown. But I also have been really hurt and disappointed by A LOT of people close to me over the past year and it is taking me a lot longer than I'd like to move on from. Going back to my mantra for this year, CHOOSE PEOPLE WHO CHOOSE YOU!
"THE SECRET OF CHANGE IS TO FOCUS ALL OF YOUR ENERGY, NOT O FIGHTING THE OLD, BUT ON BUILDING THE NEW"
WHEW! That was a lot! LOL
Some positive/good things that happened since my last post...is that it officially feels like SUMMER in Louisville..and we have spent every single day catching rays outside! (except of course as usual Derby day it shit stormed here) We have already hit up festivals, splash parks, the zoo, dragged our red neck pool out and bought a sprinkler for Ben! SUMMA LOVIN!! :) One of my besties (the one I went to Denver to celebrate) had a SURPRISE WEDDING. It was perfect and so sweet and special. Celebrated Mothers Day with my cute little Momma! And so much more!
My next post will be Sunday 5-20-18 and it will be dedicated to my brother Matt. It will be the anniversary of the day he left us and May happens to be ALS Awareness month so I want to share somethings with everyone!
Other than that--Glad I got a lot off my chest today and caught you up to speed on what we have been up to lately. I truly enjoy blogging and can't wait to look back on this one day! Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend and stays dry.
<3 and good vibes, MB